- by Ashley Hemsath
Jennifer had been dating Brian for over a year when she finally convinced him to compete in a tournament. It was one of the big ones, and she even had to coax him up in the ring, but then everything was wonderful. She got a first in forms, and a third in weapons. Brian had a second in forms, but was disqualified because he dropped his kamas.
Brian's division was called first when the fighting started. He was fighting against a guy about twice his size. Brian looked scared when he first saw the guy, but he soon realized that he had nothing to fear. The guy couldn't get his kicks up past Brian's belt, and had no blocks. Brian got in three kicks in almost record time, and won quickly. He had an ear to ear smile when the fight was finished. Jennifer gave him an I told you so look, and he just laughed, his eyes betraying how much he loved her. Jennifer loved that roguish smile, it made him look to be about three years old.
He was doing wonderfully for the first few fights, and almost won first, but the other guy got in the last point. He shrugged modestly, and went up to receive his second place trophy.
Everything was phenomenal until the guy he had beaten in the first fight came up to him. Suddenly, everything started going in slow motion for Jennifer. Brian smiled and held out his hand, but the guy slapped it away, and reached in his gi, a training uniform, for something. Brian lost his smile when the guy pulled out a butterfly knife and stabbed it towards his throat. Brian staggered backwards, clutching his throat, while the other guy ran away. Jennifer shook her head, certain that the blade had not found its mark. When Brian hit the floor, everything seemed to speed up. David, their coach, and Chris, their sensei, ran over to him. Chris looked shocked, but David just looked sorrowful, knowing what he would find when he reached Brian.
Jennifer stood where she was, completely numb. Her first thoughts were pushed away when she finally saw the blood. The words, not Brian, not Brian, echoed in her mind as she watched the two men try to revive Brian. Elizabeth, one of her friends from a different school, ran over and gently turned her away from the scene, hugging her and stroking her hair. Tears were running down Elizabeth's face and suddenly Jennifer couldn't stand up. She started to fall, and Chris ran over to catch her. He was covered in Brian's blood, and she thought that if he were over here, he wasn't helping Brian, and if Brian wasn't getting help, then he was dead. Her mind locked and she looked at Chris's white gi, stained with blood.
"Chris you won't be able to get that out of your gi, I remember when I broke my nose one time and had to throw my top out because the blood stained too badly," she babbled nonsensically, and then she blacked out.
She woke up about three hours later. She was lying on a bed in their hotel room. Christine was pacing back and forth, and there were two cops in the room. The younger kids were nowhere to be seen. She kept her eyes shut and listened to what was going on.
"What was his name?" David spoke forcefully, and Jennifer realized that he wasn't sad, just furious. She wanted to be mad too, but she just couldn't, the pain of losing Brian was too much. Grief was the only thing in her mind.
"Rob. He has been seeing a therapist for about six months now for his temper. He was enrolled in karate four years ago by his parents with the hopes that it would calm him down. They thought he was just hyperactive." The police officer acted very callous, as if the murder of someone like Brian happened daily, and only affected him remotely.
"Well, anyway, Brian had just walked down from the ring after receiving his trophy. Rob walked over to him and Brian held out his hand to shake hands with him. I remember thinking how proud I was that he wasn't going to scorn the guy he had just beaten. He slapped Brian's hand out of the way with his left hand, and pulled out a knife with his right, and..." David paused, and his eyes began filling up with tears. "And he stabbed Brian in the throat with it." David angrily wiped his eyes and cleared his throat and continued. "I ran over to Brian as fast as I could, and Chris and I tried to stop the bleeding, But it was too late."
Jennifer tuned out the last words, "it was too late.", and started moaning and shaking. David jumped up from his seat on the other side of the room and put his arms around her. She continued shaking, but she couldn't cry. It was like she was dead inside, she couldn't do anything. Her mind kept going back to the instant where Brian's look of triumph changed to a look of horror, and she saw the knife in his throat. She kept trying to run away from the picture, but she couldn't get it out of her mind.
She was clenching her fist so tightly that her fingernails punctured the skin, but she didn't even feel it. The blood ran down her arms in tiny rivulets, but the physical pain just couldn't take the place of the emotional pain. Her throat closed over, and she couldn't speak. Kristie, a close friend of hers from the school, was stroking her hair and talking to her, but Jennifer couldn't hear a word she said. David and Chris were saying something also, but she couldn't hear them either. She shook her head and laid back down on the bed. She curled up into a ball, and fell asleep for the night.
Her dreams were filled of memories of Brian. Their first date, the Valentines day when he sent her a bouquet of flowers so big, she couldn't even fit them in her locker, she had to carry them around with her all day. She saw his face in her mind one last time, his brown eyes, his full lips, and the soft blonde hair she loved to run her fingers through. She pictured him fully and clearly, and then locked down the memory as tightly as she could.
Elizabeth shook her awake the next morning at eight. Everyone was ready to pack up and go home. She told Jennifer that she had to leave right away and that she would call her as soon as she got home. Jennifer nodded mutely and slowly sat up. Elizabeth left and Jennifer got up and got in the shower. She cut the hot water on full, and didn't seem to remember about the cold water. She stepped in and didn't even notice as her skin turned bright red. She slowly lathered up her hair, thinking of absolutely nothing. Everything she did was purely automatic, and all she could think about was Brian. She repeated his name over and over in her head, but couldn't conjure up a picture to go with it. She had even forgotten why she was thinking about that name. It didn't make any sense, and she was sure she didn't know anyone by that name.
She stepped out of the shower, and got dressed, still soaking wet. When she left the bathroom, Chris exchanged a worried glance with Elan, one of the mothers along on the trip. Elan quickly bundled her back into the bathroom, and got her clothes off. Her hair hadn't been rinsed at all, and little flecks of shampoo were all over her clothes. Elan finally got it properly rinsed and toweled her off. Jennifer dressed herself and left the bathroom.
She went straight to her bed and began shoving her clothes and other things into her bags. Elan watched her carefully, and while she didn't bother folding any of her clothes, she fit everything into the bags. Chris came over to help her with the bags, but she shrugged away from him and started to take them down to the van herself.
She got on the elevator and pushed the button for the lobby. No one else got on and when she reached the lobby, she walked off towards the van. It was in a parking garage with the cars from all of the other competitors. She found it fairly easily and loaded in her bags. She got in, put her seatbelt on, and waited for the rest of her friends.
Elizabeth came by with her school, but she didn't notice Jennifer sitting alone in the van. Jennifer stared after her, but made no move to get Elizabeth's attention. Tears ran down her face, but she still didn't make a sound. She looked around and then spotted her bags. She began rummaging around in them and pulled out a polaroid. She saw two people in it, a really good-looking guy, and a very attractive girl. She looked at the girl's hair, the same color as her's, and noticed how much better it looked. She looked in the mirror, and saw how much prettier the girl looked than she did. She realized that was what she looked like with Brian, and this was what she looked like without him. She shivered at the wave of vertigo that was threatening to overcome her, and continued staring at the picture, occasionally looking in the mirror and stroking one cheek with her knuckle, as if she couldn't believe the difference. She finally remembered in a vague sort of way who Brian was, but couldn't remember the circumstances of his death.
A short while later the rest of her school showed up. They stowed their things as silently as she had, and boarded the van. Besides Chris, Elan, and Kristie, her best friend, there was also Elan's son, Liam, Casey, one of the college students that took classes through the university he went to, and Jessie, one of the younger kids that competed. Casey rubbed her shoulder in a gesture of sympathy, and Liam came over to sit on Jennifer's lap. A distant part of Jennifer's mind remembered that she used to take care of him, but she didn't really think about it. She just continued staring at the picture.
Chris got in the drivers seat, and Liam started to jump on Jennifer's lap.
"Jennifer, play with me! Play with me Jennifer!" Casey reached over and plucked Liam off of Jennifer's lap as soon as the words were out of his mouth.
"Come on Liam, Jennifer doesn't feel very good, I'll play with you. So will Elizabeth." Casey began tickling Liam and Liam squealed in delight. Casey's mouth was set in a determined smile, as if he was trying to forget something.
Jennifer didn't even notice the events around her, she was so busy staring at the picture. She started to lose coherent thought, and while her eyes were fixed on the picture, she was no longer seeing it. She stayed that way for almost seven hours. That was when they stopped for dinner. Everyone piled out, trying to pretend that Brian wasn't dead. This was the same place they had stopped on the way up, and they had the same waitress.
"Where's that nice young man that was with you on Friday?" The waitress spoke innocently, but at the look on their faces, she backed off. "I'm sorry, what's wrong?"
"Brian was killed on Saturday." Chris spoke quickly, and Elan gave a little sniffle. Jennifer just continued to stare at the table.
"Oh my God, you mean Brian was the one in all the papers?"
"Yes."
"Excuse me." The waitress ran off, embarrassed, and Chris unclenched his teeth. Elizabeth jumped off her stool, and ran to give Chris a hug. He softened, and lost the fierce look in his face. The waitress came back with their drinks.
"But we haven't ordered yet."
"I know, I spoke to the owner, and everyone's meal here is free. I hope ya'll like hamburgers."
Elan looked touched and spoke quickly. "Of course we do. We appreciate the gesture. Thank you." The waitress scurried off, presumably to bring the burgers. Elan put her arm around Jennifer, but Jennifer didn't feel it.
The waitress returned with the food, and left after it was all handed out. Elan cut up Jennifer's burger and fed it to her. Jennifer was as helpless as an invalid. Liam looked at Jennifer and asked her what dead meant. Liam's innocent little voice shook the painful memories free, and Jennifer jumped up and ran to the bathroom.
She collapsed, shaking on to the floor, and stayed there until Elan came to get her. Wordlessly she picked Jennifer up and hugged her. Elan was crying, but Jennifer was not. They both went back to the car and waited for the others to finish.
Liam was crying, but Jennifer didn't even notice. Casey hugged him, and Elizabeth came to sit next to Jennifer. The rest of the drive was made in silence, each person immersed in their own thoughts. Liam finally seemed to understand what dead meant, and he left Jennifer alone for the rest of the trip.
They got home at eight, and Jennifer's mother was there to pick her up. Brian's mother was no where to be seen. Jennifer got into the car, and Chris spoke to her mother for about ten minutes.
Her mother got in the car and tried to talk to her, but Jennifer didn't make a sound. As long as Jennifer refused to speak, she stayed numb, and as long as she stayed numb, she didn't have to think of her loss.
Her life stayed pretty much the same. She didn't speak, and sometimes she forgot important things, like rinsing her hair, or using cold water. Her mother called a doctor, but he couldn't help. The same thing with the therapist. No one could help Jennifer. Three weeks later she attended her first karate class since Brian's death. She didn't make a sound, but her forms were perfect. When they started doing the one Jennifer had been teaching Brian, Jennifer lost her control. Casey ran over to her and put his arms around her.
He took her into Chris's office, where, for the first time, Jennifer cried. She sobbed on Casey's shoulder until class was over, and she said her first words since the murder, her voice choked up from the tears.
"It hurts."
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