7.
It was several days of work before I began to succeed in the lessons Jorak wanted to teach me.
He began by having me stand, eyes closed, and listen for his footsteps on the sand. I was to ignore every feeling, every thought he was sending toward me, and listen only for the physical things, the sound of his feet on the sand, or even his breath whispering in the wind. At first it was easy. He deliberately made a lot of noise, squeaking and scraping the soles of his feet on the beach. Then he began to walk more quietly, stealthily approaching me, and sending false thoughts, or shutting down his mind completely, not letting me hear anything but the faintest static of his presence, which I was supposed to ignore.
I saw how he had been right. It is very, very hard for one like us to act like a "normal" person. In my solitary life I had never bothered to shut out the world around me. Now I must force myself to hear only what makes a real noise. I hardened my mind, closed the open windows and doors of empathy, turned all my concentration toward purely physical sensations.
At last, after several days of work, we arrived at the point where he could sneak up so close to me that I would hear his breathing before I knew where he was. Then I might open my eyes and say, "I have you."
We had gotten into the habit of swimming in the ocean waves after my exercises in not feeling. He would wear a real swim suit he'd brought in his pack from the city. I stripped to shorts and a half-shirt. I enjoyed watching his sleek body, and secretly thrilled myself with thoughts of one day reaching out and petting his firm butt. I think he looked at me, too. But still, he kept back. You have to learn more about me, first, he thought, whenever I slipped and asked him, in the water or on the sand, if he still thought he could love me.
Then, that fourth day of work, after the last exercise... he really shocked me. Yet, true to character, it was still all a part of my lessons.
He had crept so close, even whispered "Boo" in my ear before I heard him breathing. I turned, laughing, opening my eyes, and saw, as he stepped back, that he was completely nude, his swimsuit crumbled in one hand, and... he was very aroused.
My eyes kept jumping from his face to his crotch. I felt the blood beat suddenly in my throat and ears. I saw - or felt - that my attention was making him even more excited. He twitched, as if in response to my stare.
"My God, Jorak..." I sputtered, half chuckling. I suddenly remembered the boy from Mouthton, and how we used to chase each other on the beach. I realized how hotly I was staring at Jorak, and forced myself to turn my head away.
He waved his hand, drawing my eyes back to him. "You see how it is for people who can't feel things like we do? They have only their senses to go on. Until you saw me, you did not know what I was thinking and feeling. I have been deliberately working myself up into a frenzy of desire, and hiding that from you. Then, only when you opened your eyes and saw me, you responded. That is how you must behave when you are with other people. No matter what they feel or think, you must not respond until you see or hear the physical manifestation of their state of being."
He turned slightly, and began to slip his swimsuit on. I hungered over the vision of his profile. His arms, pulling the suit up his legs, his brown chest and back, slender waist, the curve of his buttcheeks, and that piece of him that only men carry... again I had to force myself to turn away.
"Now," he said, straightening up, "I am going to let you feel my desire, and you must show me that you are strong enough to shut it out from your mind. First, I will just let my feeling flow freely toward you."
Standing there, without even moving a step, he let go the control he held over his own mind. The feelings, his painful longing to possess me, the hard burning itch of his sex, the fire in his blood and brain, all flowed into me. I stepped back, not sure whether to be more frightened or flattered that he felt this way about me. His desire was so much more focused and demanding than the Mouthton boy. I realized again how much I wanted Jorak, and my feelings instinctively leapt out of me, towards him.
"Nuh-uh, Rela, you've got to shut them down. The watchers will try every trick to get you to betray your sensitivity. Hold it down. Respond on a purely physical level. Do not let yourself answer my feelings telepathically or empathically, no matter how much I scream desire at you."
I turned away.
"No... you must look at me. Experience the difference between seeing physical signs of desire and sensing it empathically."
I turned back. "Were you like this the whole time you were sneaking up on me?"
"Yes. And I was naked."
"But... I felt nothing like you are showing me now."
"Exactly. I kept it all inside. To show you what can be done if you learn how to raise a shield. That is what you must do next. But first, keep on feeling the difference between empathy and physical signal."
I forced myself to measure the difference between his flushed, sex-hungry appearance, and the feelings empathically flowing out of him. He felt me cutting my way between these subjective and objective measurements. Nodded. "Good. Now, try to shut me out of your mind, even as I begin to force my way in."
His eyes narrowed. Thoughts literally attacked me with such potency that I gasped. Even though he stood absolutely still, over a meter away, not moving at all toward me, I could feel a sudden wall of threatening strength wrap around me. Every glance of his eye along my body seemed to strip me naked, every subtle twitch of his fingers ripped the clothes off and dragged invisible, clutching caresses across me, and... I felt his legs forcing mine apart.... But he still had not moved.
I forced myself not to step back. Closed my eyes. Shut down my feelings. Blocked him out. It was hard to stop that wall of desire and concentration, especially when I wanted it so much, but... then... in one moment I found the place where he had pushed me back, far back in the mind when sleep overcomes reality and dreams come to rule our darkness, there, like a trap snapping shut, I found the wall, the shield he had spoken of. I was alone, all alone in my thoughts. Somewhere, outside, his cutting, pounding mind was only a whisper of wind against the sandy beach.
"Yes, yes!" He shouted suddenly, "You found it!"
I opened my eyes. He was beaming. "I felt that," he smiled and nodded, "you found the place where the shield is born. Good. Once you have found it, you can never lose it. But... you still must learn to relax a bit, so it doesn't feel forced around your thoughts when the watchers probe into your mind. You will learn, with a little more experience, how to appear just a tiny bit empathic, like most "normal" people. If you walk around completely shielded, showing nothing, you will stand out as an empty spot. That would be just as bad as letting your thoughts broadcast everywhere around you. No, you must let a little static flicker around the edges."
"This is stranger than I thought."
He smiled. Reached out a hand, laid it on my shoulder. Warmth and confidence flowed into me. You will learn. I think we will have enough time.
I knew what he was thinking behind his thoughts. Enough time before the watchers come to take him away from me. I took his hand. Time for a swim, brother?
He smiled. Yes.
I pulled him closer, placing his hand on the buttons of my shirt. "Let's swim naked," I said, savoring the pleasure of the words in my throat, "You take my clothes off, and I..." my other hand slipped down his side, sparks flying from each flashing touch as I reached for his tight swimsuit.
He laughed, softly, now, and began to slowly unbutton my top. I felt him smoothly controlling himself, but still letting his feelings flow out, gently. His fingers softly caressed my breast. He let me see that he was... waiting. Waiting for later. A fire leapt up in my heart. I tugged on his swimsuit, slipping it down over his hips. In another moment we were both as naked as Father-Mother God made us.
He reached up, touched my cheek, and from the midst of Jorak's fire, a thought came into my mind. Come'on. I'll race you to the water. I felt another idea form in my own mind, that I would beat him to the ocean. But I hid that thought from him, and in front of his face, simply blinked assent, then suddenly jumped away from him and took off running. His surprised and delighted laughter exploded behind me. Straining toward the waves, I listened devoutly to the pounding of his feet leaping after me across the sand.